No Boys Allowed

Just taking a quick glance around at the occupants of our home, a person could easily think this No Boys Allowed was a die hard Reed family rule.  Poor Robert, even our two pets are female.  But as with many things in life, the no boys thing was out of our control and here's the hard core truth behind all of it...

(Three Generations: Josie, Marleah, Maia, Janna and Kyra)

 

When I found out I was expecting our first child, we knew from the beginning that we did not want to find out the baby's gender.  It's funny how much this bothered so many people.  We knew even before I got pregnant that this would be the choice we'd make and we never wavered from that.  Our thought being two fold - 1) there are so few true surprises in life anymore, why not let this be one of them? and 2) we genuinely did not care either way.  Which I think is what floored people the most.  We got a lot of  "I could never do that!" and "well, what do you really think it is?" and a few "that's just dumb!" But we stuck to it and never regretted it once.  And when Maia made her entrance into the world, I got to experience something few people get to these days and that was my husband looking at me with tear filled eyes and a look of pure joy on his face as he said "It's a girl!"

Then came baby number two.  We'd been on the fence about whether or not to find out the gender.  I really didn't want to know, but Robert was definitely leaning towards finding out. So in a last minute push he told me that if this was the last time we were going to do this, it may be cool to experience both ways.  So, we found out a few minutes later that the Lord had given us another daughter.  Though the excitement of the surprise was not there, I was still excited to find out about having another little girl to love.  And it truly didn't bother me that it was another girl.

Then came baby number three...

Let me pause here and say that up to this point and even up to the sonogram, I was not a parent who cared about "what I was having."  I truly always just viewed it as God was in control of that and it was destined before time even began.  And, it truthfully always annoyed me that some people were so vocal about what they wanted.  It never sat well with me.  But, the irony is, that when I found out I was pregnant, I did pray for a son.

Not very many times and not with any urgency.  But, I did pray that God would give us a son to raise to be a leader in His Kingdom.  Pretty sure those were the exact words.  I believe that was a genuine desire of my heart and as much as it can be, was unselfish in motivation.  However, I think part of it was I began listening to what so many were telling me.  I can't remember how many times I heard "You need a boy" come out of people's mouths.  And I began to believe it. 

Also, physically, I felt very differently than I had with my two previous pregnancies.  So there was a part of me that must have begun convincing myself that the baby was a boy.

Imagine my surprise when the sonogram tech tells us she's almost certain it's a little girl.  Silence.  That's really all I could muster.  I sat there thinking she's got to be wrong.  And mad at myself that I cared so much, and shocked because I didn't realize I cared so much. 

Finally, in the privacy of our car, my sweet husband asked me if I was okay, and I broke down.  Again, shock.  Where was this coming from?  I'm that lady who really doesn't care!  Why am I so upset?!  Those are the thoughts that raced through my mind in just a few seconds. 

One thing that brought me immediate comfort is that Robert assured me he didn't care and that he'd already felt certain the baby was a girl.  But in the days that followed I still felt nervous and a little sad as I had to tell our family that we would be having another daughter.  Some seemed very happy and some seemed disappointed, which certainly didn't help my emotional state.

A couple weeks after, I found that I would randomly get upset when I'd think about it.  A side note is that my sister and sister-in-law were both pregnant at the same time as I was and had both found out they were having boys. Salt. Open wound.  You get the picture.  I began to really try to talk it out with Robert, who as always, was a great source of discernment and comfort for me. 

The main thing I couldn't understand is why I cared so much, all of sudden, when I'd always been someone who truly didn't.  But times have changed drastically - even in the six years between Maia and Kyra. 

There is this new mentality that a family isn't complete until it has at least one by and one girl.  It's this consumer mindset that says, "I'll take a pink one and blue one and now I'm done."  It's no longer about who this little person is going to be in Christ, but whether they'll wear tulle skirts or camo pants.  The newest thing now are Reveal Parties.  An entire event based solely on what color is at the center of the cupcake. 

Please don't misunderstand.  I do not think being vocal about wanting a boy or a girl is bad.  I don't think reveal parties are bad.  But for me, those harmless things and the things they sort of represent, very subtly worked their way into my subconscious and did cause something bad in my heart and mind.  Discontentment. 

It wasn't enough that the God of the universe had entrusted me with yet another one of His beautiful creations.  Instead I did something shameful and asked why?  Why had He chosen to withhold from us the honor of parenting a son?  Why, when my husband was godly and would raise a son by pointing him to Jesus, did he give sons to so many men who dishonor their wedding vows and abuse their children? 

I realize now it was a selfish, prideful moment in my life.  In response, I was struck with the same words Job heard from the Lord, "Where were you, Marleah, when I made the heavens?"

Ouch.  But, how true it is.  And I know, what a weird thing to ask Why? about. 

Looking back, and even during all of it, I knew it was a very small thing to get so worked up over.  We have several sweet friends who have children with disabilities.  We have friends who don't get to hold their child anymore, or worse, never did, because the child is in the arms of Jesus.  Shame on me for feeling discontentment over never getting to hold a son of my own.

So now, here I am, 11 months later.  Mother to three beautiful, hilarious and super cool daughters.  I've never once looked at my sweet Kyra and wished she'd been born a boy.  I'm just thankful that she was born.  Do I ever still mourn that Robert and I will never have a son?  Yep.  Sure do.  Mourn may be too strong of a word.  But from time to time, at really random moments, I'll feel that sadness that I felt those first few days.  Then I'm reminded that whatever situation I am in to be content (Phil 4) and that godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Tim 6). It's tough, but I'm trying. 

A couple closing thoughts on what has turned into way too many thoughts:
First, I'm so thankful that God keeps on loving me.  When I'm weak, when I'm selfish, when I'm critical, when I'm jealous.  He loves me and He's still raising me.  So glad He's faithful and patient.
Second, if the Lord tarries, I think I'm going to make a really great mother-in-law because I'll have been praying for my "sons" a very long time!